The 100 Shuls Project

Adapted from a Sermon delivered on Parshat Tazria/Rosh Chodesh Nissan/Hachodesh 5776. Many thanks to Rabbi Daniel Yolkut for his invaluable input and ideas.

Today is Rosh Chodesh Nissan, an especially auspicious day on the Jewish calendar. It is the day that the Mishkan was dedicated, and that Aharon and his sons assumed their official role as Kohanim. Put yourself in the position of Moshe Rabbeinu on that fateful day. He is about to consecrate Aharon and his sons into everlasting service in the Mishkan, and Aharon is going to assume a level of prestige and responsibility that Moshe wasn’t allowed to. Yet Moshe was commanded to anoint not only Aharon, but his sons as well,

כאשר משחת את אביהם

“In the same manner that you anointed their father.”

 

This is almost unfair to ask of Moshe; after all, this is what he  wanted, isn’t it? What is the Torah trying to tell us with this directive?

 

The Talmud (Zevachim 101a) says that Moshe never experienced any jealousy at all about Aharon’s position. He was nothing but ecstatic for his brother and the honor he was assuming. However, Moshe was envious of Aharon’s sons. He wanted his own sons to be the Kohanim, but he was rebuffed; the Kehuna had been set aside for Aharon and his family, and Moshe’s own sons were not fitting for the job. The Meshech Chochmah, Rav Meir Simcha HaKohen, suggests that the purpose of this passage is to show that Moshe was commanded nevertheless to anoint them as Kohanim with full intention and complete joy, despite the heartbreak that this no doubt entailed for him- and that he did exactly as commanded.

משך חכמה שמות פרק מ

(שם, שם) כאשר משחת את אביהם. יתכן דעל מעלת אהרן לא היה משה מתקנא שהיה נביא ומלך (דברים לג, ה) וכהן גדול (זבחים קא, ב). אבל על מעלת בניו אמרו “אל תקרב הלום” (שמות ג, ה) – ביקש (משה שיעמידו ממנו כהנים ומלכים. א”ל הקדוש ברוך הוא “אל תקרב הלום”, כלומר לא יהיו בניך מקריבין שכבר מתוקנת הכהונה לאהרן אחיך – שמות רבה ד, ו). ואם כן אולי לא ימשח אותם בשמחה רבה ובלב שלם. לכן אמר “ומשחת אותם” – אותם מרצון גמור – “כאשר משחת את אביהם”.

 

This is a remarkable testament to Moshe’s strength of character, but if that is the case, why would God ask Moshe to do that which gave him such pain? Perhaps we can suggest that God wasn’t asking Moshe to negate his pain; instead, he was showing Moshe that being a human being means that it is possible to experience multiple and even conflicting emotions at once, and that feeling happy for another person isn’t a zero sum game in which you cannot simultaneously feel your own pain. Moshe had to contend with the immense disappointment that his life was not turning out the way he desperately hoped it would, and that his own dreams, and dreams for his children, were being lived by someone else, and at the same time, feel happy for those that were experiencing the fulfillment of the same dreams.

 

I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit because this Shabbos, we at Shaare Tefilla are honored to participate in the 100 shuls project, initiated by an organization called Yesh Tikva  that provides emotional support and peer to peer mentoring to those struggling with different forms of infertility, and awareness about these issues to the broader Jewish community. This Shabbos, in over 100 shuls of various denominations across the spectrum and around the world, Rabbis and lay leaders will be speaking about these issues. The reason this Shabbos was chosen is that it comes right before the Pesach season; the Torah’s requirement of והגדת לבנך, teaching your children about the exodus from Egypt, strikes like a dagger in the hearts of those who are struggling with infertility, which describes one in eight couples in the United States. The emotional reserves and strength of character required of those experiencing challenges in starting or increasing the size of their families is truly superhuman; aside from Pesach- or any Yom Tov spent with family- every Bris, Bar or Bat Mitzvah or even simply going to a shul that is blessed to have a large population of children can be incredibly emotionally taxing. It is possible to show happiness for a sibling or friend who seems to have conceived effortlessly when they hold their little bundle of joy, It is, however,  exceedingly difficult if a couple is having difficulty themselves, and we should never know the existential pain a couple suffers when a woman suffers a miscarriage, or three- or five… There is also “circumstantial infertility”- when a woman is single, the pressure to find a partner mounts as she gets older and her reproductive window begins to close. All this is without taking into account the invasive hormonal treatments that can cause erratic emotional behavior, and the financial burden of infertility treatments, most of which are covered out of pocket. Often, this emotional anguish is suffered in silence, because it is difficult to open up about something so personal. I am blessed to have a close relationship with one of the directors of Yesh Tikva, Ellie Haller Solomon, for nearly 10 years, along with her husband Awi. When I first met Ellie, she was a queen of the Upper West Side singles scene; shortly after I met her, she was blessed to get engaged and married. A move to suburban Edison, New Jersey followed, and then four beautiful children in rapid succession. I assumed that her transition from popular single to suburban mommy of four was effortless, a blessed comfort after her many years of singlehood. Recently, though, Ellie went public with her story and I learned that Ellie had significant challenges in conceiving; indeed, every one of her children is in the world due to the miracles performed through Assisted Reproductive Technologies. Ellie’s story has a happy ending, but there are so many others who are still waiting for theirs; as a Rabbi, I probably know more stories than most. Moshe had to marshal every ounce of courage and feel happy for those who were living the life he might have wished he had; there are plenty of people around us doing the same. The Rambam writes (Chametz Umatzah 7:1) that the Mitzvah of telling the story of the Exodus from Egypt applies even if one does not have a son. Everyone is included in the mitzvah, so our challenge is to make sure that we are extra careful- with our words and our actions- to include everyone in our discussions. Yesh Tikvah offered some of the following suggestions for making that happen- a more comprehensive list is available on their website:

1. When we are hosting a meal or gathering, we should be aware of our crowd and make sure that, if there are people who are unmarried or don’t have kids present, the conversation does not revolve around marriage or children, and instead focuses on subjects in which everyone can participate.
2. Social gatherings should not automatically and de facto be just for couples with children, or couples at all. Don’t make your guest list based on what you want to speak about; We should invite friends and family members because we value their  company, not because we think they will “blend.” If they are uncomfortable or not up to it, they can make the decision for themselves.
3. Never assume anything about anyone- a lesson for everyone, regardless of whether they struggle with fertility or not. As much as Moshe might have been envious of Aharon, he had no idea that two of the young men he anointed, the objects of his envy, would be dead within a matter of hours. Not everyone who does not have a child or has a large gap between children is navigating infertility, many who appear to have had children quickly or effortlessly actually struggled before receiving that blessing and, in general, the people we may envy may not have the idyllic, blessed lives we assume they do.
4. Finally, listen. Whether as a friend or as a relative, listen to those who wish to share their stories, assure your friend or relative that you are there for them no matter what and validate their feelings even if you think they are not handling the situation in the healthiest or most productive way. This can be especially difficult for relatives, like parents, who apply implicit or explicit pressure on children to provide them with grandchildren, but sometimes it is people who ask invasive and offensive questions of this nature.

May we all welcome this season of rebirth and rejuvenation with abundant blessing for those in desperate need of it, and may we all merit speedily the fulfillment of the prayer we recite at the Seder each year:

וְנוֹדֶה לְךָ שִׁיר חָדָש עַל גְּאֻלָּתֵנוּ וְעַל פְּדוּת נַפְשֵׁנוּ.

We will all sing for you a new song over our national redemption, and over the immediate unburdening of our souls from hardship and trouble.